Make People Like You: Social Skills That Work in Any Language

ENLast week somewhere, you had a conversation in English.

ENMaybe at work.

ENMaybe at the school gate.

ENMaybe with a neighbor.

ENAnd you made mistakes.

ENLet's say five mistakes.

ENA wrong verb.

ENA missing word.

ENA strange pronunciation.

ENNow here is today's question.

ENHow many of those five mistakes

ENdoes the other person actually remember?

ENThink about it for a second.

ENThe answer is zero.

ENNot one, zero.

ENBecause the human brain does not record conversations

ENlike a camera, it keeps two photographs.

ENAnd today you will learn exactly which two.

ENAnd when you understand that,

ENyour fear of speaking English changes forever.

ENWelcome to Your English Toolbox

ENwhere we train your ears step by step.

ENI am Martin.

ENAnd I am Julia.

ENFriends, we are so happy you are here today.

ENBefore we begin,

ENremember that this episode has a home.

ENYourEnglishToolbox.com.

ENThere you will find the interactive transcript

ENof this episode.

ENWith translations in Farsi, Spanish,

ENGerman, and French.

ENPlus vocabulary cards, flashcards, mini games,

ENand PDFs you can download, all completely free.

ENToday's episode is about something everybody wants.

ENEverybody.

ENGood social skills.

ENThe ability to walk into a room and connect.

ENTo make people feel comfortable and to be remembered.

ENAnd here's the beautiful secret, friends.

ENSocial skills are not a talent.

ENThey are not magic.

ENAnd they are not a charisma you are born with.

ENThey are a set of small behaviors that anyone can learn.

ENIn any language.

ENIf you stay with us until the end,

ENyou will walk away with three things.

ENOne, the science of the first 10 seconds.

ENWhat to do before you say a single word.

ENTwo, the listening techniques

ENthat make people feel truly seen.

ENIncluding two traps almost everyone falls into.

ENThree, the peak end rule.

ENThe scientific reason nobody remembers

ENyour English mistakes.

ENThat last one is going to change

ENhow you feel about speaking English.

ENSo let's start at the beginning.

ENThe first 10 seconds.

ENScience tells us something uncomfortable.

ENPeople form an opinion of you almost instantly.

ENBefore your grammar.

ENBefore your vocabulary.

ENBefore you say one single word.

ENSo what happens in those 10 seconds?

ENFour things.

ENAnd none of them need perfect English.

ENNumber one, stand up.

ENWhen you meet someone new,

ENif you are sitting, stand up.

ENIt is such a small gesture,

ENbut it says you matter and I am fully here.

ENNumber two, your body.

ENTurn your whole body towards the person.

ENNot just your head.

ENA half turned body says I am already leaving.

ENNumber three, your eyes.

ENNatural eye contact.

ENSteady, warm, relaxed.

ENToo little says I want to escape.

ENToo much says something a little scary.

ENHa, true.

ENThe goal is a friendly gaze.

ENThe way you look at a good friend.

ENNumber four, the handshake in cultures

ENwhere people shake hands.

ENFirm, but gentle.

ENNot a dead fish.

ENAnd not a machine that crushes.

ENCalm and confident.

ENAnd notice something important, friends.

ENWe have not used a single word of English yet.

ENExactly.

ENYour first impression is already made

ENbefore your accent even enters the room.

ENFor a language learner, that is wonderful news.

ENNow I'm at the first words.

ENAnd here science gives us a gift.

ENThe most powerful sound in any language

ENis a person's own name.

ENWhen you use someone's name,

ENsomething lights up in their brain.

ENThey feel seen, they feel distinct.

ENNot just another face in the room.

ENSo when you meet someone, catch the name.

ENUse it once when you say hello.

ENNice to meet you, Sarah.

ENUse it once when you say goodbye.

ENIt was lovely talking to you, Sarah.

ENBut what if the name is difficult?

ENWhat if you did not understand it?

ENThis is where learners think they have a problem.

ENAnd actually, they have an advantage.

ENSorry, could you say your name again?

ENI want to say it right.

ENDo you know how that feels for the other person?

ENIt feels like a compliment.

ENYou are the person who cared about their name.

ENMost native speakers never ask.

ENThey just avoid the name for the whole conversation

ENand hope nobody notices.

ENYou, my friend, can do better than the natives.

ENNow we arrive at the heart of all social skills

ENand it is not speaking.

ENIt is listening.

ENHere is a phrase to keep forever.

ENPeople remember how you made them feel

ENfar more than what you said.

ENFar more.

ENAnd nothing makes people feel better

ENthan being truly listened to.

ENSo how do you listen like a master?

ENThree tools.

ENTool one, react, nod.

ENSmile, say small things.

ENReally?

ENWow, that makes sense.

ENYour face should be a mirror of their story.

ENTool two, send their words back.

ENIf they say, the flight was a disaster.

ENYou say, a disaster?

ENWhat happened?

ENYou take their word and you return it as a question.

ENIt shows your brain is with them,

ENnot waiting for its turn to speak.

ENAnd this tool is perfect for English learners.

ENBecause you are practicing their vocabulary in real time.

ENTool three, the follow-up question.

ENWhatever they tell you, go one level deeper.

ENAnd how did you feel?

ENAnd what did you do next?

ENOne level deeper is where real conversations live.

ENNow, the two traps.

ENTrap number one, the one-up trap.

ENThey say, I just came back from Italy.

ENAnd you say, oh, I went to Italy last year.

ENIt was amazing.

ENWe visited Rome and Florence and-

ENStop.

ENYou just stole the spotlight.

ENThe conversation was about their trip

ENfor exactly four seconds.

ENThe rule is simple.

ENTheir story is not an invitation to tell yours.

ENAsk about their Italy.

ENYours can wait.

ENTrap number two.

ENFake empathy.

ENSomeone shares something difficult with you.

ENAnd we all say the same thing.

ENI know exactly how you feel.

ENIt sounds kind.

ENBut it can feel dismissive.

ENBecause you don't know exactly.

ENNobody does.

ENThe master class answer is,

ENI can only imagine how hard that was for you.

ENI can only imagine.

ENThose four words respect their experience.

ENInstead of borrowing it.

ENLet's talk about questions.

ENBecause questions are the steering wheel

ENof every conversation.

ENAnd most people drive with the handbrake on.

ENClosed questions produce one-word answers.

ENHow was your weekend?

ENGood.

ENAnd the conversation dies right there.

ENOpen questions produce stories.

ENWhat was the best part of your weekend?

ENNow they have to think, choose, remember.

ENNow they are talking.

ENHere are three magic question starters.

ENWhat was the best part of?

ENHow did you end up?

ENWhat is it like to?

ENFor example, how did you end up working here?

ENOr, what is it like to live in that neighborhood?

ENEvery one of them opens a door.

ENAnd here is the learner bonus.

ENWhile they answer, you rest.

ENA good question buys you 30 seconds of listening practice.

ENAnd they think you are fascinating.

ENThat is the secret economy of conversation.

ENSpeak less, connect more.

ENOne more tool for your box.

ENThe specific compliment.

ENGeneric compliments are weak.

ENYou're nice, you're smart.

ENThey slide off people like water.

ENSpecific compliments stick.

ENYou stayed so calm in that meeting.

ENHow do you do that?

ENA specific compliment says, I truly saw you.

ENAnd it usually opens a beautiful conversation too.

ENNow let's turn you into a reader of people.

ENThree signals.

ENEasy to see and almost impossible to fake.

ENSignal one, the feet.

ENFaces are polite liars.

ENBut feet always tell the truth.

ENIf their feet point toward you,

ENthey are enjoying the conversation.

ENIf their feet point toward the door,

ENtheir body has already left.

ENBe kind when you see it.

ENFinish warmly and set them free.

ENSignal two, the smile.

ENA real smile lives in the eyes.

ENLittle wrinkles appear.

ENThe eyes almost close a little.

ENA polite smile only moves the mouth.

ENOnce you see the difference,

ENyou cannot stop seeing it.

ENSignal three, mirroring.

ENWhen two people truly connect,

ENtheir bodies start to copy each other.

ENSame posture, same rhythm.

ENThey lean in at the same time.

ENIf you see mirroring, the connection is real.

ENAnd here is the beautiful part.

ENAll three signals work in every language on earth.

ENYour body language vocabulary, mine is already fluent.

ENLet us tell you about Yusuf.

ENYusuf is a barber in Birmingham.

ENHe arrived from Syria six years ago

ENand his English is still simple.

ENShort sentences, basic vocabulary, a strong accent.

ENAnd his chair is the most requested chair

ENin the whole shop.

ENPeople wait 40 minutes for Yusuf

ENwhile other barbers are free.

ENWhy, because Yusuf remembers.

ENHe remembers your name.

ENHe remembers that your daughter had exams

ENand he asks how they went.

ENHe puts down the scissors

ENwhen you tell him something important.

ENHe looks at you in the mirror and he listens.

ENAnd when you leave, he says your name

ENand one warm sentence.

ENPeople do not come back for the haircut.

ENThey come back for how the chair feels.

ENYusuf has maybe a thousand words of English.

ENAnd better social skills than most people with 50,000.

ENRemember him.

ENConnection is not built with grammar.

ENAnd now the idea we promised at the beginning,

ENthe two photographs.

ENPsychologists call it the peak end rule.

ENThey discovered something very strange about human memory.

ENYour brain does not record an experience minute by minute.

ENIt keeps two moments

ENand it builds the whole memory from them.

ENPhotograph one, the peak.

ENThe most emotional moment of the interaction.

ENA shared laugh.

ENA moment of real understanding.

ENA nice surprise.

ENPhotograph two, the end.

ENThe last thing that happened.

ENThe goodbye.

ENAnd everything else fades.

ENThe small silences.

ENThe awkward moments.

ENThe mistakes.

ENGone.

ENSo if you want to be remembered well,

ENyou only need two things.

ENOne good peak and one good ending.

ENThe peak can be simple.

ENOne genuine laugh.

ENOne moment where you really truly listened.

ENAnd the ending, friends,

ENis completely under your control.

ENNever leave with a flat empty bye.

ENLeave with a specific warm goodbye.

ENIt was genuinely lovely to meet you.

ENI hope we talk again soon.

ENOne sentence and it becomes the final photograph of you.

ENAnd now, let's point all of this at your English.

ENBecause friends, if you are afraid of speaking,

ENthis part is for you.

ENThink about what the peak end rule really means.

ENThe other person is not recording your grammar.

ENTheir brain keeps the peak and the end.

ENYour five little mistakes are not in either photograph.

ENSo here is the sentence of the day.

ENPeople will forget your mistakes,

ENbut they will never forget how you made them feel.

ENSay it again with us.

ENPeople will forget your mistake,

ENbut they will never forget how you made them feel.

ENNow, your social survival kit in English.

ENNumber one, learn your three open questions by heart.

ENWhat was the best part of your weekend?

ENHow did you end up living here?

ENWhat is it like working there?

ENThree questions, memorized, always ready in your pocket.

ENNumber two, learn your three listening reactions.

ENReally?

ENThat makes sense.

ENTell me more.

ENThree tiny phrases, enormous effect.

ENNumber three, the name move.

ENCatch the name, use it twice.

ENAnd if you miss it, ask again.

ENRemember, asking for a name is a compliment.

ENAnd number four, prepare your high note goodbye.

ENIt was genuinely lovely talking to you.

ENPractice it tonight until it comes out smooth and warm.

ENThat single sentence will be the last photograph

ENin every conversation you have.

ENAnd notice something, friends.

ENNothing in this kit needs advanced English.

EN10 small phrases, maybe 50 words in total.

EN50 words and that do the work of 5,000.

ENBecause today's lesson is bigger than English.

ENThe people we remember are the people

ENwho made us feel seen.

ENAnd you can be that person at any level of English.

ENQuick recap, friends.

ENThe first 10 seconds, stand up, turn your body,

ENwarm eyes, calm handshake.

ENThe name, catch it, use it,

ENand never be afraid to ask for it.

ENListen like a master.

ENReact, send their words back.

ENGo one level deeper.

ENAvoid the one-up trap.

ENAnd trade, I know how you feel,

ENfor I can only imagine.

ENAsk open questions, give specific compliments.

ENRead the feet, the eyes, and the mirroring.

ENAnd design your two photographs.

ENOne real peak, one warm ending.

ENEverything from today is waiting for you

ENat yourenglishtoolbox.com.

ENThe interactive transcript, the translations,

ENthe vocabulary cards with every phrase from this episode,

ENthe flashcards, the games, the PDFs,

ENall of it, completely free.

ENSo here's your mission for this week.

ENOne conversation.

ENJust one.

ENUse one open question, one listening phrase,

ENand your high note goodbye.

ENAnd watch what happens to the other person's face.

ENBecause from today,

ENyou are not just someone learning English.

ENYou are someone who knows how to make people feel seen.

ENAnd that, friends, is a superpower in every language.

ENThank you for being here with us.

ENIt was genuinely lovely to spend this time with you.

ENSee what we did there.

ENHa, take care, friends.

ENBye for now.