Stop Guessing What They Really Meant

ENHave you ever come home, seen someone's quiet face, and instantly decided you knew exactly what they were thinking?

ENOr worked yourself into complete exhaustion, trying to prove to yourself that you were "trying hard enough"?

ENToday, we are opening an old, deceptively simple book that quietly rewires how you communicate, and how hard you push yourself.

ENWelcome to Your English Toolbox, where we train your ears step by step.

ENI am Martin.

ENAnd I am Julia.

ENFriends, we are so happy you are here today.

ENBefore we begin, remember this episode has a home online.

ENYour English Toolbox... dot... com.

ENThe interactive transcript of this episode, translations in Farsi, Spanish, German and French, vocabulary cards, flashcards, games and downloadable PDFs.

ENAll completely free.

ENToday's episode comes from a real book, one that has sold more than ten million copies worldwide.

ENIt is called The Four Agreements, written by the Mexican author and healer Don Miguel Ruiz.

ENMartin, this is the one that finally explained why I kept getting into arguments with my sister over absolutely nothing.

ENI know that feeling.

ENMy partner Claire used to go quiet for one evening, and by bedtime I had built an entire theory about what I had done wrong.

ENAnd you were always wrong.

ENAlways.

ENEvery single time.

ENThat is exactly where we are taking you today, friends.

ENBy the end of this episode, you will have two more of Ruiz's agreements: one that ends most unnecessary arguments before they even start, and one that finally lets you stop punishing yourself for not being perfect.

ENPlus, eight brand new English expressions, so you can talk about both, with real confidence.

ENLet's begin.

ENRuiz calls this one the third agreement: don't make assumptions.

ENAnd friends, once you see this pattern, you cannot unsee it.

ENHere is the mechanism.

ENWe have a habit of trying to predict reality.

ENWhen we don't know something... we fill in the blank ourselves.

ENAnd then, quietly, we start believing our own guess is a fact.

ENWe read someone's face, their silence, their tone... and we decide we know exactly what is going on inside their head.

ENRuiz has a simple, brutal line about this.

ENGo on.

ENHe says most of the suffering people create for themselves comes from assuming they know what someone else is thinking, wanting, or feeling.

ENAnd most of the time... we are simply wrong.

ENHere is how the drama actually builds, step by step.

ENTell them, Julia.

ENStep one: you make an assumption.

ENStep two: you react to the assumption, not to reality.

ENStep three: the other person reacts to your strange new behavior, confused, because nothing has actually happened yet.

ENStep four: you use their confused reaction as "proof" that your original assumption was correct.

ENAnd step five: a full conflict has now erupted, entirely out of a story your own mind invented.

ENThat is exactly what happened to me, actually, with Claire.

ENTell them.

ENA few months ago, I came home from a long day, and Claire was completely silent at dinner.

ENBarely said ten words.

ENOld me would have spent the whole night in my head.

EN"She's angry.

ENI must have forgotten something.

ENDid I say something wrong on the phone this morning?"

ENYou actually did do that, once.

ENI did.

ENFor an entire evening, over nothing.

ENBut this time, I remembered the third agreement.

ENSo instead of spiraling, I just asked her.

ENRadical, I know.

ENI said, "You've been quiet tonight.

ENIs everything okay?"

ENAnd?

ENAnd it turned out she had a brutal call with her boss that afternoon, and it had absolutely nothing to do with me.

ENNothing at all.

ENRuiz says the antidote to almost all of this is embarrassingly simple: ask.

ENHave the courage to ask the question, instead of writing the whole story yourself.

ENAnd have the courage to say what you need, too, instead of assuming people can read your mind.

ENBecause friends, nobody can read your mind.

ENNot your partner.

ENNot your boss.

ENNot your best friend.

ENIf you don't ask... you don't get the truth.

ENAnd if you don't say it... they will never know.

ENNow, let's talk about the fourth agreement, because this one might be the most freeing of all.

ENAlways do your best.

ENSimple enough, right?

ENExcept Ruiz adds a twist most people miss completely.

ENYour best is not one fixed number.

ENIt changes, day by day, hour by hour.

ENYour best on a healthy, well-rested morning is a completely different thing from your best when you are sick, exhausted, or heartbroken.

ENAnd judging today's effort by yesterday's energy is exactly where so much of our guilt comes from.

ENThere are two ways people usually fail this agreement, and they are opposite mistakes.

ENTell them, Julia.

ENThe first is doing less than your best. Being lazy, holding back, not really trying.

ENThat one creates guilt.

ENThe Judge in your head has a field day.

ENBut the second mistake is sneakier.

ENDoing more than your best. Pushing far past your limit, again and again.

ENThat one looks like virtue from the outside.

ENBut it is not sustainable.

ENIt leads straight to burnout.

ENAnd that, friends, is exactly where I lived for most of last year.

ENGo on, Julia.

ENWhen we were building this podcast, I had this idea that "doing my best" meant working every single evening, every weekend, no exceptions.

ENFourteen-hour days, back to back, for months.

ENI remember.

ENYou looked exhausted.

ENI thought that was what commitment looked like.

ENThen, one week, I genuinely could not get out of bed.

ENMy body just... stopped negotiating.

ENAnd lying there, I finally understood this agreement properly.

ENMy best on that sick, exhausted week was getting up, drinking some water, and answering one email.

ENAnd that was enough.

ENThat was actually my best, that week.

ENBecause the goal was never to perform for an imaginary judge.

ENIt was to act, and then let go of the outcome completely.

ENRuiz compares it to something from the Bhagavad Gita, actually, doing your duty without being attached to the fruit of your action.

ENYou give a talk, you prepare, you show up honestly, and then whether people applaud or stay silent is simply not your business anymore.

ENYou did your best. That is the whole contract.

ENNothing more is owed.

ENAnd here is where all of this quietly comes together, friends.

ENWhen you stop assuming, and you simply do your best without needing anyone's applause, something shifts.

ENRuiz calls the person who lives this way a "Toltec warrior."

ENNot someone who fights everyone.

ENSomeone who has simply stopped fighting themselves.

ENA warrior like this is aware that life is short, and strangely, that awareness does not make them anxious.

ENIt makes them present.

ENThey forgive quickly, themselves most of all.

ENBecause Ruiz says something we both needed to hear: you are already perfect exactly as you are.

ENThe only reason you don't feel that way is because somewhere, you agreed that you weren't.

ENAnd you can simply... unagree.

ENOne honest conversation at a time.

ENOne kept promise to yourself at a time.

ENThat is the whole of it, friends.

ENNothing mystical.

ENNothing complicated.

ENJust two very old habits, finally broken: guessing, and punishing.

ENAnd there is one more piece to this warrior mindset, quietly powerful.

ENRuiz talks about accepting that none of us are here forever.

ENNot in a heavy way, friends.

ENIn a freeing way.

ENWhen you truly accept that your time is limited, you stop wasting it on manufactured drama.

ENYou stop rehearsing arguments that haven't happened yet.

ENYou stop performing for people who were never watching that closely anyway.

ENYou just live the conversation you are actually in, right now.

ENThat is it.

ENThat is the whole shift.

ENBefore we go further, let's collect the tools from today's stories.

ENEight expressions, straight from our own lives.

ENNumber one: to jump to conclusions.

ENIt means to decide something is true without enough information.

EN"I jumped to conclusions about Claire's silence, and I was completely wrong."

ENNumber two: to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

ENIt means to assume the best about someone, rather than the worst, when you are not sure.

EN"Instead of assuming, give your partner the benefit of the doubt."

ENNumber three: to read too much into something.

ENIt means to find a meaning that probably was not really there.

EN"I read way too much into one quiet dinner."

ENNumber four: to speak your mind.

ENIt means to say honestly what you think or need, instead of expecting people to guess.

EN"If something's wrong, speak your mind instead of waiting for them to notice."

ENNumber five: to give it your best shot.

ENIt means to try as hard as you genuinely can, with no guarantee of the result.

EN"I gave it my best shot, even on the days I felt terrible."

ENNumber six: to burn out.

ENIt means to become completely exhausted from working too hard for too long.

EN"Julia burned out after months of fourteen-hour days."

ENNumber seven: to be hard on yourself.

ENIt means to judge or criticize yourself more harshly than you deserve.

EN"Don't be so hard on yourself.

ENYou did your best."

ENAnd number eight: to let something go.

ENIt means to stop holding onto a feeling, a grudge, or an expectation.

EN"Once she understood the truth, she let the whole thing go."

ENEight new tools for your toolbox, friends.

ENJump to conclusions... give the benefit of the doubt... read too much into something... speak your mind... give it your best shot... burn out... be hard on yourself... and let something go.

ENNow, friends, it is time for our sentence of the day.

ENHere it is.

ENI ask instead of assume, and I try without needing to be perfect.

ENLet's say it one more time, slowly.

ENI ask instead of assume, and I try without needing to be perfect.

ENSay it out loud with us, right now, wherever you are.

ENLet's close the loop, friends.

ENDon't make assumptions, because most of the story in your head was never real.

ENJust ask.

ENAnd always do your best, because your best changes every single day, and that is completely okay.

ENClaire's silence was never about Martin.

ENAnd my fourteen-hour days were never actually love.

ENThey were fear, wearing a very convincing disguise.

ENEverything from today, the vocabulary, the transcript, and the translations, is waiting for you at Your English Toolbox... dot... com.

ENAll completely free.

ENThank you for being here with us, friends.

ENSee you next time.

ENBye for now.

ENTake care, friends.