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Complete English transcript
Have you ever felt anxious about a problem and then you started feeling anxious about being anxious?
That happens to me all the time, Martin.
I get stressed and then I think Why am I not calm?
Everyone else on Instagram looks so calm Exactly, and then you feel like a failure because you aren't happy every single minute it is Exhausting well friends today.
We are going to fix that We are diving deep into Mark Manson's book the subtle art of not giving a fuck This book is a bit of a slap in the face, isn't it?
It is but it is a refreshing slap It tells us that trying to be positive all the time is actually making us miserable Today we are going to learn why pain is necessary We will learn why you are not special and we will learn how to choose the right things to suffer for It sounds intense, but I promise it will be fun Are you ready to stop trying so hard to be happy?
Welcome to your English toolbox your slow English podcast where we train your ears step-by-step I am Julia and I am Martin Before we start I want to ask you one quick favor If you learned something new today, please leave a comment after listening Comments are extremely important because platforms only support podcasts with active communities Your comment helps our show grow reach more learners and keep this project alive So friends, let's get started part one the feedback loop from hell Martin let's start with this concept of the feedback loop from hell It is a great name for a terrible feeling Explain it to our friends who are listening Okay, imagine this scenario you have a confrontation with a colleague at work Okay, I am Imagining it you go home and you feel a bit angry and a bit anxious That is a normal reaction Yes, but then you start thinking about your anger.
You think I shouldn't be this angry.
I should be more Zen I should be more professional And then you get angry at yourself for being angry Exactly.
Now you have two layers of anger and it spirals down and down Manson calls this the feedback loop from hell in modern society We have this idea that everything must be okay all the time Social media shows us everyone living amazing happy lives So when we feel bad, we think something is wrong with us But Manson has a solution called the backwards law This is from the philosopher Alan Watts, right?
Yes, the law says the desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience That is a bit of a tongue-twister Let me say it again Wanting to be happy makes you unhappy Because it reminds you that you are not happy But the opposite is also true accepting your negative experience is paradoxically a positive experience So if I say to myself, I feel like rubbish today and that is fine I will actually feel better Yes, because you stop the loop you stop fighting the pain Friends ask yourselves a question right now When you feel bad Do you beat yourself up for it or do you let it be?
The first step to not giving a fuck is realizing that it is okay to not be okay onto the art of subtlety So Martin does this mean we should just not care about anything No, and this is where people misunderstand the book They think it is about being indifferent like a teenager rolling their eyes at everything Exactly Manson clarifies that not giving a fuck does not mean being indifferent It means being comfortable with being different it means you are willing to look failure in the face and say I Don't care if I fail.
I am doing this anyway So it is about courage not apathy Precisely, he talks about three subtleties in the book Subtlety number one is what we just said Don't be indifferent subtlety number two is my favorite Tell us about it to not care about adversity you must care about something more important than adversity This makes so much sense Imagine you are at the grocery store Okay, there is an old lady screaming at the cashier because her coupon expired We have all seen that why is she so angry about a 30 cent coupon?
Probably because she doesn't have anything else to worry about Exactly she doesn't have a big project or a passion or a goal that consumes her energy So her world shrinks down to that coupon if you find yourself getting angry at traffic or Annoying comments on the internet It is probably because you don't have anything bigger going on you need to find something Fuck worthy to focus on Friends, what are you focusing your energy on today? is it something that really matters or is it just the noise of daily life and finally subtlety number three Whether you realize it or not you are always choosing what to care about We have a limited amount of fucks to give Exactly think of your energy like a bank account You can spend it on being angry at the weather Or you can spend it on building your career or loving your family Maturity is simply the process of learning to only spend your energy on things that truly matter three Happiness is solving problems Now let's talk about happiness again Everyone wants it, but nobody seems to know how to keep it Manson argues that happiness is not something you achieve It is not a trophy you win and put on a shelf No Happiness is an activity What kind of activity?
Happiness is the activity of solving problems, but Martin I hate problems. I know Julia, but listen to this Life is essentially an endless series of problems that sounds depressing It isn't if you look at it the right way The solution to one problem is merely the creation of the next problem.
Can you give us an example?
Sure Let's say you have the problem of being out of shape Okay, so you join a gym and solve that problem But now I have the problem of having to wake up early and sweat and be sore Exactly, or you have the problem of not having a partner So you find a boyfriend and now you have the problem of compromising on dinner plans and dealing with his messy habits I See what you mean The problems never stop.
They just change So true happiness comes when you find the problems you enjoy having Manson introduces a funny character called the disappointment panda I Loved that part the panda goes door-to-door telling people harsh truths And the truth here is that suffering is biologically useful Pain is nature's way of telling us to pay attention If we try to numb the pain we kill the motivation to solve the problem So friends here is the most important question of the book Don't ask yourself.
What do I want to enjoy?
Ask yourself.
What pain do I want to sustain?
Everyone wants the gold medal, but not everyone wants the years of training Everyone wants the CEO salary, but not everyone wants the 60-hour work weeks and the stress Friends be honest with yourselves Are you in love with the result or are you in love with the process?
Because if you don't love the climb you won't enjoy the view from the top Bonfour You are not special Martin this next chapter is a bit controversial It attacks the self-esteem movement.
We grew up hearing that we are all special and Extraordinary and Manson says that is a lie Ouch He argues that by definition Most of us are average at most things that is just statistics Only a tiny percentage of people are the best at anything But we feel like being average is an insult That is the danger if you believe you must be Extraordinary to be worthy then you will view being average as a failure and Since we are average at 99% of things we will constantly feel like failures He talks about the entitlement trap.
It comes in two forms, right?
Yes form one.
I Am awesome and you all suck.
So I deserve special treatment Form two I Suck and I am a victim.
So I deserve special treatment Both are forms of selfishness Both are ways to demand Attention the antidote is accepting that you are plain and ordinary at that sounds boring Martin It is actually liberating how so once you accept that you don't need to cure cancer or go to the moon to be valuable You can start to appreciate the simple things a good meal a laugh with a friend reading a book Helping a neighbor these things become enough Friends do you feel pressure to be amazing?
What would happen if you gave yourself permission to be normal?
You might find that life suddenly becomes much lighter part 5 Shitty values versus good values This is probably the most practical part of the book It is about how to choose our values Manson compares the human mind to an onion layers upon layers Layer one is understanding your emotions Knowing what you feel layer two is asking why you feel that way But layer three is the deepest it is asking why do I consider this a success or a failure?
This is where our values live if your values are poor your life will be poor He gives us a list of shitty values doesn't he yes, let's go through them first one pleasure Pleasure is great, but it is a terrible life value It is temporary It is a byproduct of happiness not the cause second one material success Research shows that once your basic needs are met Money doesn't make you happier third one always being right oh I know people like this if you value being right you will fight to the death to defend your ignorance You will never learn anything new and finally staying positive As we discussed this leads to denial and repression So Martin what are the good values good values have three characteristics? one they are reality based to They are socially constructive three They are immediate and controllable Let's give our friends an example a bad value is I want everyone to like me You cannot control that it relies on other people a good value is I want to be honest with others You can control that right now Even if they don't like you you succeeded in your value of being honest Another bad value, I want to be the richest person in my office That depends on the economy and your boss a good value.
I want to do my best work today You see the difference Good values put the power back in your hands Friends think about something that is stressing you out ask yourself What value is causing this stress is it a value you can control or are you trying to control the uncontrollable on six Radical responsibility we move on to a concept that changed my life radical responsibility Manson makes a huge distinction between fault and responsibility We often think they are the same thing But they are not He uses a very vivid example imagine you wake up one morning and Find a baby on your doorstep It is not your fault.
The baby is there you didn't put it there But it is now your responsibility You have to choose what to do You can call the police you can feed it you can panic Whatever you do.
You are making a choice You cannot avoid Responsibility even doing nothing is a choice Many people make themselves miserable by obsessing over fault It is my ex-husband's fault.
I am unhappy It is the economy's fault I am poor It might be true that it is their fault But blaming them doesn't fix your problem Responsibility is about who has to fix it Your ex broke your heart his fault your responsibility to heal and move on The government ruined the economy their fault your responsibility to adjust your budget and find work This sounds harsh Martin.
It is empowering Julia.
How so?
Because if you are responsible, you are in the driver's seat He uses a poker analogy You don't get to choose the cards you are dealt that is luck But you are 100% Responsible for how you play them the best players can win with a terrible hand and the worst players Can lose with a great hand Friends, are you blaming someone else for your situation?
How would it feel to say?
This sucks, but it is my job to fix it part seven Failure and the do-something Principle, I love this next rule because it helps when I feel stuck We often think motivation works in a straight line Inspiration leads to motivation Which leads to action so we sit around waiting for inspiration to strike?
We wait to feel like doing it But Manson says it is a loop Action leads to inspiration Which leads to motivation if you lack motivation don't wait just do something anything Even a tiny action if you need to write a book write one sentence That one sentence will inspire you to write the next Action is not just the effect of motivation.
It is the cause of it This also changes how we view failure Failure is just part of the process if you aren't failing you aren't trying anything new He talks about how Picasso painted thousands of bad paintings to get the masterpieces We only see the masterpieces But the failure was the path to the success Friends is there a project you are Procrastinating on don't wait for the perfect moment Just do one small thing today and watch the motivation follow part eight Death and legacy We have arrived at the final chapter and it is about death It seems dark, but it is actually the most beautiful part of the book Manson talks about the denial of death Humans are the only animals who know we are going to die This creates a deep terror in us so we create immortality projects We try to put our names on buildings or have children or create art We want something to live on after we are gone We distract ourselves with trivial nonsense to avoid thinking about the end but Manson says Acknowledging death is the key to living Why?
Because it strips away the fluff When you realize you could die tomorrow you stop caring about your embarrassing haircut You stop caring about what your neighbor thinks of your car You only care about what is truly important Manson tells a story about visiting a cliff in South Africa the Cape of Good Hope He stood on the edge and looked down at the ocean He had been depressed and suicidal in the past But in that moment facing the reality of death He felt a strange peace He realized he was not the center of the universe This is called ego death It sounds scary, but it is liberating when you realize you are small your problems become small, too You are free to just be as the stoic said memento mori Remember you must die It is not meant to make you sad it is meant to make you focus Friends if this was your last day, would you care about the things you are worrying about right now? probably not So why care about them now?
Live for what matters love the people around you Do work that you are proud of and let the rest go inclusion Wow Martin that was a journey it really is a powerful book Let's recap the main points for our friends one Trying to be happy makes you unhappy Embrace the struggle to Choose your problems find the pain you enjoy three You are not special and that is okay for Values matter choose values you can control five Take radical responsibility for everything in your life Six if you are stuck just do something and seven remember death to truly live I Feel like I need to go look at my life and delete some shitty values.
I Think we all do Julia.
It is a constant process Friends we hope this summary helps you navigate your week with a little less stress a little more focus Now let's wrap up with our important request and if you enjoyed this episode, please write a small comment before you go Your comments show the platforms that our community is real active and growing This support is crucial for us to continue creating new episodes every week Tell us which rule from the book you needed to hear the most Do you want to be part of our slow English community?
We need your comments because your voice is more important than ours Your voice and comments will show us the right path Thank you for listening.
See you next time friends
