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Complete English transcript
Talk about your feelings.
Welcome to Your English Toolbox, your slow English podcast where we train your ears step-by-step.
I am Martin.
And I am Julia.
How are you today?
Are you really fine?
Well, actually, I am a little bit tired and stressed about a project.
See, that is the problem with English learners and even native speakers.
We always say, "I am fine," because we are afraid to show our real emotions.
But language is a tool for connection.
If you cannot express sadness, frustration, or joy, you are only using half of your toolbox.
Today, we are going to go deep.
We will learn how to talk about difficult feelings.
We will learn how to confront people politely.
And we have a very special guest to help us understand why this is so important.
Please welcome Rose, a psychologist who joins us today.
Hello, Martin.
Hello, Julia.
It is wonderful to be here.
We are so happy to have you, Rose.
Rose, why is it so hard for people to say, "I am sad," or, "I am angry"?
It is often because we think negative feelings are bad.
We think we must be happy all the time to be accepted.
But from a psychological perspective, ignoring feelings is dangerous.
That is a great hook for our listeners.
So, are you ready to stop saying, "I am fine," and start speaking the truth?
Let's open Your English Toolbox.
Part 1: Identifying the Feeling.
Before we can talk, we must identify the word.
Many students only use happy, sad, or angry.
But English has thousands of nuances.
Rose, in your therapy sessions, what is the first step?
The first step is to name the emotion accurately.
There is a big difference between being angry and being frustrated.
Let's look at that difference.
Angry is a strong, hot feeling of displeasure.
For example, if I cannot find my keys, I am frustrated.
If someone steals my keys, I am angry.
That is a very clear distinction.
Rose, why does accuracy matter here?
We call this, "Name it to tame it."
If you say, "I am overwhelmed," you admit you have too much pressure.
Overwhelmed,
that is a fantastic B2-level word.
It means you have too much work or too much emotion to handle.
Listeners, are you feeling overwhelmed with your English study sometimes?
Encouraging, speaking very slowly, it is okay to admit it.
Another great word is anxious.
How is that different from afraid, Julia?
Afraid is usually about a real danger right now, like a lion.
Anxious is about something in the future like a job interview.
Exactly.
Anxiety lives in the future.
When you tell a friend, "I am feeling anxious about tomorrow," you invite them to help you.
So rule number one is precision.
Stop using bad, and start using frustrated, overwhelmed, or anxious.
Part 2: The Danger of Bottling Up.
Now we need some phrasal verbs.
Rose, what happens if we do not speak about our emotions?
Well, if you do not speak, you tend to bottle up your feelings.
To bottle up.
Imagine a bottle of soda.
You shake it and shake it, but you keep the cap on tight.
You are putting the feelings inside a bottle and closing it.
That is bottling up.
And when you bottle up your emotions, eventually the bottle explodes.
We have a phrasal verb for that explosion, too.
It is to lash out.
To lash out, this means to suddenly attack someone verbally because you are angry.
Imagine you bottled up your stress from work all day.
Then you come home and your husband asks, "What is for dinner?"
And you scream, "Why do you always ask me that?"
You lashed out at him.
And usually, you lash out at the people you love the most.
This damages relationships.
So, the opposite of bottling up is to open up.
To open up.
This means to start talking about your inner world.
Opening up requires vulnerability, but it builds trust.
I have a question for you, Rose.
Is there a physical benefit to opening up?
Absolutely.
When you bottle up, your cortisol levels, the stress hormone, go up.
When you open up, your brain releases oxytocin.
That is the bonding chemical.
So, speaking English is actually good for your health?
Only if you tell the truth.
Listeners, I want you to shadow this sentence with me to practice the phrasal verb.
Repeat after me.
I need to open up because I cannot bottle this up anymore.
Let's try one more time.
Don't lash out.
Just try to open up.
Part three, how to confront someone.
Okay, we know we should open up.
But what if the feeling is caused by another person?
This is the hard part.
Many learners stay silent because they are afraid to be rude.
Rose, is there a psychological trick to confront someone without fighting?
Yes, there is a classic tool we use.
It is called the I statement.
The I statement.
Can you explain how that works?
Usually when we confront someone, we use you statements.
We say, "You are rude," or, "You never listen to me."
That sounds like an attack.
And when I hear, "You never listen," I want to defend myself.
Exactly.
Instead, you should focus on your own feeling.
The formula is, "I feel when you..."
Let's look at the grammar of that.
Write I feel followed by an adjective.
Speaking very slowly, when you, followed by a verb.
So instead of saying, "You are annoying," what should I say, Rose?
You could say, "I feel frustrated when you interrupt me."
Notice the difference.
You are not saying the person is bad.
You are saying the action produces a feeling in you.
Let's practice some other examples.
Imagine your friend is always late.
Do not say, "You are so disrespectful."
That will start a fight.
Instead say, "I feel hurt when you arrive late because it feels like my time is not important."
You added the because, which explains the impact.
This invites the other person to understand you, not fight you.
Is it really that simple?
Simple to say, but hard to do.
It requires you to know your feeling first.
We also have a great expression for this moment of honesty.
It is to get something off your chest.
Imagine a heavy weight sitting on your chest.
You cannot breathe well.
When you finally say the truth, the weight is gone.
You got it off your chest.
Rose, how do patients feel after they get it off their chest?
They often sigh with relief, "Oh." They feel lighter.
They realize the fear was in their head.
So, listeners, if you are holding a heavy secret or a frustration, use the structure, "I feel X when you do Y."
Part four, asking about feelings.
We have talked about expressing ourselves.
But a conversation is a two-way street.
We need to ask other people how they feel.
And, "How are you?" is not enough.
"How are you?" is automatic.
It is a reflex, not a question.
Rose, how can we ask a question that invites a real answer?
You need to ask specific open-ended questions.
Instead of, "Are you okay?" which is a yes/no question,
try asking, "What is on your mind?"
"What is on your mind?"
That is a beautiful phrase.
It implies that you know the person is thinking about something.
Another great one is, "You seem a bit quiet today."
That is an observation, not a question, but it invites an answer.
"You seem quiet, is everything okay?" Yes, observing body language is key.
If you see someone looking down or sighing, you can say, "I notice you are sighing a lot.
Do you want to talk about it?"
This gives the other person permission to open up.
Or permission to stay silent.
It is very respectful.
Rose, what if the person starts crying?
Many English learners panic if someone cries.
They do not know what to say.
The best thing to say is often very simple.
You can say, "It is okay to cry," or, "I am here with you."
"I am here with you."
You do not need to fix the problem.
You just need to be present.
We also use the verb 'to empathize'.
To empathize means to feel what the other person is feeling.
It is different from sympathize.
Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone.
Empathy
is feeling with someone.
That is a crucial distinction.
Connection comes from empathy.
When you say, "I can imagine how hard that is," you are empathizing.
Listeners, these phrases are your lifeline in deep conversations.
"I can imagine how hard that is."
"Thank you for trusting me with this."
"I appreciate you telling me."
These are much better than just saying, "Don't worry!" Please, never say, "Don't worry," to someone in pain.
It invalidates their feelings.
It tells them their feeling is wrong.
White: Instead, validate them.
Say, "It makes sense that you are sad."
Part 5, The Emotional Toolbox.
We have covered a lot of ground today.
We moved from, "I am fine," to, "I am overwhelmed."
We learned to stop bottling up and start opening up.
We learned to get things off our chest using 'I' statements.
And we learned how to offer empathy.
Rose, as we finish, what is your final advice for our listeners?
My advice is to practice with small feelings first.
Do not wait for a big tragedy.
Practice telling a friend, "I felt a bit disappointed when the restaurant was closed." Practice the small muscles of vulnerability.
Then, when the big feelings come, you will be ready.
That is excellent advice.
Start small to build strength.
Language learning is exactly the same.
You practice small sentences so you can have big conversations.
Rose, thank you so much for joining us and sharing your wisdom.
Thank you for having me.
It was a pleasure.
It is amazing how psychology and language go hand-in-hand.
They are both about understanding the human experience.
Remember, your English does not have to be perfect to be emotional.
People connect with your heart, not your grammar.
But correct grammar helps.
Yes, it certainly helps.
Conclusion.
Before we go, I want to ask you one quick favor.
If you enjoyed this episode, please write a small comment before you go.
Your comments show the platforms that our community is real, active, and growing.
This support is crucial for us to continue creating new episodes every week.
Tell us how you are feeling today using one of the new words we learned.
Are you feeling motivated?
Overwhelmed?
Or perhaps relieved?
We need your comments because your voice is more important than ours.
Your voice and comments will show us the right path.
Thank you for listening.
See you in the next episode.
